


Last Night

by bisexuallaurel



Category: Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, M/M, Trans Jace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-28
Updated: 2016-08-28
Packaged: 2018-08-11 15:47:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7898593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bisexuallaurel/pseuds/bisexuallaurel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Simon rubbed his aching head and, with a groan, got out of bed. He grabbed his glasses from the bedside table and slid them on. Aspirin and water were the only things on his mind as he slowly made his way to the kitchen.</p><p>On his way there, though, he passed the training room.</p><p>He didn’t know why, but he peered inside the darkened room, and found—</p><p>“Jace?”</p><p> </p><p>or, the AU where Jace is a trans boy, and one night the gang has a sleepover at the Institute. Simon wakes up at 4 am and finds Jace alone in the training room. Apparently Jace isn't as cold-hearted as he wants people to think. TW in the author's note!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Last Night

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings for this fic include:  
> \- gender dysphoria  
> \- talk about being trans and the difficulties of that in the Shadowhunter society  
> \- alcohol mention in the first few lines
> 
> I don't think there's too much of it, but if you're trans and you know these kinds of topics upset you, please be safe and don't read.
> 
> also, a disclaimer that I'm cis, so if I've made any factual errors or if any part of this fic is offensive to you as a trans person, I'm very sorry and please feel free to call me out on it. I've had some of my trans friends read it over to try to make sure it's not too off, but just because they think it's alright doesn't mean every other trans person will, obvs. So yeah, I'm always excited about feedback on how to improve, specifically on writing trans characters in this case!
> 
> And speaking of cool people! Shoutout to archeryalec and otherworldlyghost @ tumblr for beta'ing this fic and being overall lovely. Lots of heart emojis.

It was almost 4 in the morning when Simon awoke with a start. His whole head was throbbing painfully and he felt kind of sick. Maybe that drinking game last night hadn’t been the best idea.

But Clary had invited him to the Institute for a, in her words, “sleepover with an excessive amount of alcohol”. She hadn’t been wrong.

Magnus had brought out all the stops, probably in an attempt to get his boyfriend as drunk as possible. Alec was a _hilarious_ drunk. 

Magnus had split his time between talking to Luke, who was also a surprisingly funny drunk, and exchanging funny stories about their past; and Alec, who he more than once straddled on the floor. 

Izzy and Clary had spent most of the night trading kisses back and forth, while the rest of the gang begged them to please go to one of their rooms if they wanted to hook up. They had flipped them off and, eventually, left for Izzy’s room.

Jace had been uncharacteristically quiet, but whenever someone addressed him, he’d put on a smile and join in with whatever shenanigans were going on at the time. He seemed to think no one noticed, but Simon did. He always did.

Now, at 4 am, they were all spread out over the Insitute. Alec had brought Magnus back to his room, to absolutely no one’s surprise. Izzy and Clary were in Izzy’s room, Jace had retreated to his room, and Simon and Luke had taken two of the guest bedrooms.

Simon rubbed his aching head and, with a groan, got out of bed. He grabbed his glasses from the bedside table and slid them on. Aspirin and water were the only things on his mind as he slowly made his way to the kitchen.

On his way there, though, he passed the training room. He didn’t know why, but he peered inside the darkened room, and found— 

“Jace?”

Simon stopped in the doorway.

Jace was sitting on the steps leading up to the training floor, with his head in his hands.

His head whipped up at the sound of his name, and he immediately schooled his face back into his usual confidence. “What are you doing up, Lewis?”

Simon frowned. “Lewis, really?” He took a step inside the room, looking around for clues as to why Jace was here.

“What would you like me to call you?” Jace asked, and there was a coldness to his voice now. “Darling, sugarplum?" 

“Darling sounds nice,” Simon said absentmindedly, focused on trying to read Jace’s body language. “What’s going on?”

Jace shrugged, leaning back on his hands. “Nothing.”

“So you’re just sitting here in the dark at 4 in the morning for, what, meditation?” Simon asked. He walked further into the room, so he was standing right in front of Jace.

Jace rolled his eyes. “Just go back to bed, Simon." 

“You can talk to me, you know,” Simon said, his voice softer now. “I know it can be tough to—”

“You don’t know,” Jace interrupted. “You don’t know at all. No one does.”

He leaned forwards again and wrapped his arms around his legs, staring resolutely at the floor.

Simon hesitated.

Then he sat down on the step next to him, a small distance between them as to not spook Jace.

“Okay,” he admitted, “I don’t know what it’s like. But I can listen. I don’t know if Clary’s told you but I’m a great listener. Actually–”

“Simon,” Jace said, and he just sounded tired now. The coldness was completely gone, but he sounded so, so tired. “I know you’re just trying to help, but there’s nothing you can do, and if you don’t leave I’m going to snap at you and we’ll both feel horrible about it.”

“Well, that’s okay,” Simon said. “You can snap all you want. I’m great at taking verbal abuse, too!” He smiled widely.

Jace looked at him like he’d suddenly grown two heads. “That’s not a good thing, dude.”

Simon’s smile faltered. “I’m sorry. I don’t know your process, I thought maybe humour could help. Sorry.”

Jace shook his head, and dropped onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. “What kind of person would push away a friend who just wants to help?” There was self-hatred in his voice now, and Simon felt his heart clench. 

“I didn’t know we were friends.”

Jace sat back up, somehow closer now than before. They had never been this close to each other before. It made Simon’s heart beat a little faster. “Of course we are.”

Simon smiled. “Okay, friend. So tell me, what’s going on?”

Jace sighed in defeat. Then he spoke, and the words were spilling out of him like he’d been dying to say them for ages. 

“I just don’t know what to do. I’m sure Clary told you about when I came out to my parents? Well it was a few years ago now, and they’re still assholes. They haven’t learned anything. They still don’t use the right pronouns and when I correct them, they snap at me for being too sensitive. It’s even worse if Izzy or Alec do it for me, then they just attack me for it later. And I’m so sick of not feeling at home in my own body. Yeah, the T has helped a lot and it’s getting better, but I still get these really horrible moments where nothing feels real and I just want to rip out–” He stopped mid-sentence, and drew a deep breath. “I just don’t know. It sucks. It fucking sucks and I don’t know what to do about it.”

Simon listened in silence, taking it all in. His heart was clenching painfully now. He _hated_ that Jace had to feel like this. He deserved so much better.

Simon was about to speak, when Jace went on, “And I’ve only got one binder and I can’t wear it all time because I need to clean it, so what am I supposed to do when it’s in the laundry? I can’t leave the Institute, and I can barely stand looking at myself in a mirror because it’s not _my body_ I see, and it’s so confusing and—” He stopped again, and closed his eyes. “I’m just tired. I’m so tired.”

Simon nodded quietly. He hesitated, and then reached out to put his hand on Jace’s knee. The touch made Jace’s eyes snap open, and he looked at Simon in alarm.

“Sorry,” Simon said quickly, and was about to pull back his hand when Jace took it in his.

They exchanged smiles, and then Simon said, “I know it’s hard. I mean, I don’t _know_ but… it will get better. I know that’s an awful thing to say, but… it will. You’re on T now, and you’ve got your surgery coming up, right?”

Jace nodded.

“Well, that’s great! And maybe we can get you another binder in the meantime? It’s not much, but maybe it could help… and we could start saving up so maybe you can move out? So you don’t have to be around those assholes all the time.”

Jace looked at him. “You’re saying ‘we’ a lot.”

Simon frowned at first. That was a weird thing to get hung up on, wasn’t it? Then his face flooded with colour, and he looked away. Unfortunately, he looked down, and saw their joined hands. He closed his eyes. He was so stupid. He wasn’t _trying_ to come on to Jace but obviously that’s what it looked like from Jace’s point of view. God, he was so stupid—

“Hey, it’s okay,” Jace said, and squeezed his hand. “I was just teasing. I— I like it.”

Simon smiled shyly. “That’s– okay. Okay, good. Where was I, uh–”

“You were saying how much you care about me,” Jace supplied, a ghost of a grin on his face.

Simon pretended to glare at him, but couldn’t keep it up for long. “Anyway… yeah. It sucks, but… I’m here for you. For whatever that’s worth.” 

“More than you think,” Jace said immediately. “Thanks, Simon. I actually feel a bit better.”

“Oh, good,” Simon said, relieved. Maybe he hadn’t fucked it up entirely, then. “And, you know, you can always talk to me. Even if it’s just to let off steam.”

He cringed at his choice of words, but Jace either didn’t notice or didn’t care. Instead, he blurted out, “Can I kiss you?”  
  
Simon’s eyes widened. Well _that_ was unexpected. 

Jace backtracked. “I know we just had a serious talk and it was a really weird thing to say after… all that but— I just really want to kiss you.”

Simon kept staring. Then, finally, he said, “Well, yeah. Yeah, of course. Yes.”

Jace had never been gentler than when he cupped Simon’s cheek, his thumb rubbing small circles over his jawline. His eyes darted between Simon’s mouth and his eyes, and it seemed like they were both holding their breaths.

They stayed like that for a moment, mouths hovering inches away from each other, their eyes interlocked and a whole flood of wordless sentiment being spoken between them.

 _Thank you_.

_You mean so much to me._

_I like you._

_Please for the love of god just kiss me already.  
_

Jace was the one to close the gap.

 _It’s just like in the movies,_ Simon thought as their lips finally touched, and multicolored fireworks erupted in his mind’s eye.

He shifted a bit so his body was angled towards Jace, and he could slide his hands into Jace’s hair. One of Jace’s hands was still gently cupping his cheek, and the other had slid down to the small of his back, pressing him closer. 

He didn’t know how, but Jace’s shirt had ridden up over his stomach, and he stifled a moan. Jace looked unfairly good.

The rough texture of his binder scratched against Simon’s hand as he tentatively rested his hand against Jace’s abs.

“How long have you been wearing it?” Simon asked, just when Jace was about to kiss him again.

Jace frowned in confusion, and leaned back so he could look Simon in the eyes. “A few years? Why?”

“No, I mean today,” Simon said, running his fingers along the brim of it. “You shouldn’t—”

“Just a few hours,” Jace said softly, finally picking up on Simon’s concern. “It’s fine, don’t worry. I’ll take it off before I go to bed.”

Simon nodded, satisfied. Ever since he’d heard from Clary (with Jace’s permission) that Jace was trans, he’d bought several books and read many articles on the subject so he could be as tactile as possible. One of the basics of trans care was not wearing a binder for too long.

Jace was staring at his mouth again. Simon grinned, and leaned in to kiss him again.

Jace happily responded, repositioning his hand on Simon’s jaw to angle the kiss just right.

Simon had no idea how long they stayed there, on the stairs, kissing and talking and kissing some more. It could have been hours, or it could have been minutes. He couldn’t tell.

But at some point, the sun was rising and they agreed that it was getting early enough for the others to wake up. Simon offered to make breakfast, and Jace quipped that he’d rather eat Simon’s food than Izzy’s, so he’d better hurry.

Simon couldn’t help but wonder if all of this meant as much to Jace as it did to him. He hadn’t kissed a lot of people in his life, after all. It was a big deal to him. He really, really liked Jace, but what if Jace didn’t feel the same way?

Jace had been vulnerable. Maybe he had just needed someone to comfort him, and Simon happened to be there.

As they walked to the kitchen, Jace took his hand.

Simon looked over at him, mouth slightly open in surprise. What if someone saw? How could they possibly explain holding hands?

But Jace didn’t seem worried. He just smiled and squeezed Simon’s hand, and he didn’t let go.

 _Maybe it will be okay after all_ , Simon thought, as they walked hand in hand through the dark Institute.


End file.
